Last Day of Placement

LAST DAY... so sad. Today was crazy. I packed up my desk. I said my goodbyes. I did my last one on one supervision with Eileen. It was really sad, she taught me so much. She is one of those people I have so much respect for in the field because she is so passionate about the work she does. I helped Eileen with some running around but it wasn't long before our day was turned upside down. A youth came into the centre stating he was having trouble getting his medication and he was thinking about killing himself. For people who do not work in the field they may not understand all the issues that come with a threat like this from a young person but it's pretty crazy. This youth had attempted a couple times before and was very close to some of the staff in the centre. With this also comes a great deal of conflict of how to deal with a situation like this. There is policy, ethics, and heart that comes into play.. not all that work well together. To say the least, the rest of the day did not run how anyone expected and it was all kind of a blur. But this is how this field works. Youth come first and can change your day like that. It was a good reality check for the week and an interesting way to end my placement journey at the centre. I’m not sure what is in store for me next per say. I know I will be coming home to at least one more exciting new experience with the conference, after that who knows. I will be done my degree after far too long, and am unclear where that really is going to lead me next. But one thing I do know is I am taking so much more back with me then when I came and I am thankful for that.

Last Drop-In :(

I came into work early to try and get a power point together on Canada and finish putting together Canada quizzes for the different age groups. After being sick most of the week and really not getting the sleep I needed to I have kind of been struggling. I think all the emotions of leaving in a couple days, saying goodbye to everyone, and realizing I’m heading home to do step right into presenting at a conference is all starting to wear me down a bit. I took a bit of a break to help some of the older girls who came in with their CV's. After that it was on to my finial evaluation with Catherine and Eileen. It went better than I could have ever hoped. Eileen had so many great things to say about me. I was able to complete all my goals and so much more. I am so blessed to have had this experience and all my dreaming and hoping of what this could be were not even close to how amazing it really was.

I ended the evening with the drops in. This could have been a bit more organized. I think there was some miss-communication on what was going on and I thought I was only programming for the Canada piece; it turned into being very stressful and overwhelming at the beginning. But I really should have put more faith in the youth. They are all really so wonderful and chill; the night ended up turning out amazing and all the stressing was for nothing. We had pancakes, not Canadian style as I did not learn until later their pancakes are more like crepes, with maple syrup and fruit. It was really lovely. Kids hungout, played pool, did art, and chatted. We ended each drop in with a Canada Quiz and gave out prizes I had brought with me. I really loved it. The goodbyes were pretty hard though. I know after working at camp that is crazy how close some kids will let you get in just a week, so it's not like I didn’t expect it. It's just every time when it's an authentic experience it still amazes me. By the end of the night I was so tired and still sick though, I felt wonderful.

I met with JLO!

I'm still dragging a bit but I'm making things happen. I came into placement excited from my conversation with Anna (the Juvenile Liaison Officer). First I worked on finishing my power point slides for the conference. Once that was done I had a bit of time to go over my questions for Anna before she showed up.

My time with Anna was great. Just like I had hoped, she was able to fill me in on so much missing information about how youth first would get referred to a Garda Diversion Project in the first place. She told me about what happens when a youth first gets in trouble and the steps that need to be taken for them to end up in a program like this one. A youth first needs to admit guilt or they are not even eligible for other measures and go straight to court to face a judge. If they are then found guilty this type of program is no longer an option. A youth on only a first or second time offence can be issued a caution which will lead to this program as well. If they are involved in a Garda Diversion program and are found guilty of other offences, the involvement in the program can help decide a lesser course of action if they have been having positive feed back coming from the project. I really learned so much, this just being a bit of it. I was so glad I was able to get to talk with a JLO worker. Anna explain a great deal about different options for youth and how probation would work as well. I think my understanding of the juvenile system in Ireland was improved a great deal after our conversation.

After I was done with Anna I had another opportunity to do a home visit with one of the other girls from the girls group on Monday. This visit was super interesting and very different from the first. This mother had very little understanding of the program and had not had other children involved before which showed up very clearly in the first contact. Building the relationship with the parents is as important as building it with the youth even though the face time is very minimal. When you have the parents on your side the process becomes that much easier, but its a fine line because at the same time you need to balance the line of truth with the youth, letting them know that the group is a safe place for them to be open and share and that the obligation is not to inform the parents, but keep them involved unless of course it falls under threat to self or others.

After we were done with this home visit we headed back to the centre. The last part of the day was running the young boys group. They like always were cute and starting to warm up to me even more. We had worked on some art together and I was starting to get to know them more and make connections to their older siblings. The boys were cute when they were saying goodbye and did really well during the programming piece where we had started to talk to them a bit about anger and different ways to express it. So fun to see them do the counting game, they had become quite good at it and really seemed to enjoy it. I then headed home for an early night as I was not feeling that good still.

Homevisit

When I got up on Tuesday I wasn't feeling much better but I am determined to make the most of the last of my time here. I got into placement and started getting my questions ready for the JLO worker as I was finally going to meet with her this week. I am very excited for this and am trying to come up with some good questions so it doesn't feel like a waste of time for her. I think I should be fine though cause I really do have question about how the process works in getting the referrals so it shouldn't be too bad.

I completed the last interview questions I needed to get done with Martin as a rep for the FAN project. Trying to find time had been a challenge over this past six weeks. Also I think it was easy to put if off and drop it to the bottom of the list when it was coming up against urgent programming stuff, but it is done... They all got done. It's wonderful.

Also, just before groups started I went with Eileen to do a home visit to one of the girls from our girls group. It went really well and it was super interesting to see family dynamics and make some connections to the youth. The visit spoke so much to the community and helped me have a greater understanding of the youth. I wish we had more family interaction in the work I am doing now at home. I know it for sure has it's challenging but for the times that it can be positive at all, I think it's so important.

In the evening I had my last group with the one of the groups I had grown to know quite well. It was hard, but it was good to see them for that last time as a group. They all stated they were going to come to drop in on Thursday to say goodbye. It's hard... but just because they would be a fun group to work with. But there are a lot of great kids in the group and they seem to be good supports to each other.

The last group did not show up. Eileen had not been able to set up home visits but was going to try again this week so they could figure out what was going to be happening with this group in the future.

Update On Blogging.. Please be patient! I`m Sorry.

Just wanted to give everyone a heads up.. I do have rough drafts done but have not been finding as much time to write them up as i would like but they are coming so please be patient with me. This is so much to write and share and I don't want anyone to think i have forgot it will just take me a bit too caught up. These last few weeks have just been very busy as i am trying to take everything in and get as many experiences as possible.  I really hope people my stories and thoughts though and that me sharing it helping create a picture of this amazing experience i have been going through. Looking forward to adding more and hearing feedback, questions, or comments. Thanks so much everyone for your support.

Looking forward to seeing some of you soon and sharing so many more stories and the literally hundreds of pictures i have.

So Much Love,

Vanessa Cutler

No Fun Being Sick

Monday was a hard morning. I woke up not feeling well at all and so upset because it was my last week here so I needed to make it work. I headed into placement at the regular time but was not doing well at all. I took part in a program meeting with the FAN team and tried to help get everything ready for the groups in the evening. But after only being there a couple hours and after some encouragement from others I decided to go home for a few hours. I slept and woke up and felt a bit better, but was still dragging. I ended up going back into placement because I wanted to be there for the last group time with the girls group I had been working with. I was super glad I did because it was good to be there and to say goodbye as a group. I also think it was important because I wanted to finish up some programming I had started with them. I am worried after today though because I knew this week was going to be crazy busy and kind of sad with it being my last but being sick on top of it is making it so much harder. I feel like I am floating through it a little bit instead of being able to completely be present. But it's hard to do when you feel awful. Hopefully I will get over it fast as I really don't have time for this right now.

Last Weekend in Ireland - Sligo

My last weekend was amazing. I took the train to Sligo where I was going to meet Emily and Michelle. They both drove up there earlier in the day. I decided to take the train to give myself a different experience and a break from the buses. It was really wonder. I ended up making small talk with a man who lived just outside of Sligo but often came to Dublin during the week to do work. He told me about how he volunteered at the homeless shelter in city on his nights off. We talked music and politics. He shared with me cool stories about different cultural things. It made the three hour trip very enjoyable even though we really didn't start talking till about half way through.

Once at Sligo Michelle and Emily picked me up at the train station and we made our way to Emily's parents house. Sligo is beautiful! We made a quick stop to see her sister and say hi. We picked up a few things at the store headed on. Emily's family was so amazing and so welcoming. It's a super cute place just out town that her parents build when she was young. That night they had a amazing dinner with her family and her sisters. After we all sat around and talked late into the night.

The next day, after an amazing fry made by Emily's Mom, the girls took me to see the sights. First we went to W.B. Yeats grave. We stopped and had tea and just enjoyed our morning.

http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=1860

We then made our way to a waterfall and checked it out. It was gorgeous.

http://www.sligozone.net/GlencarWaterfall.htm

We made our way to the other side of town into the country to check out the beach. The tide was in so we stayed up and just kind of looked around. Emily then took me to a place called Hangman’s Hole. It was so amazing. The views in Ireland still blow my mind. We then went back up the way to Emily’s but went up the hill where you could see all along the coast and see the mounts surround it all. I also got to see a real hermits village with was really cool because I did not know they were real groups with their own spiritual practices. We then made our way back to the house for dinner. We had an amazing meal again and decided to ditch out plans to go out in the evening as we were all pretty tired and feeling a bit poor. Instead we stayed in, went through her Mom's wedding pictures, pictures of Emily and her sisters when they were young, and played a rousing game of Cluedo.. Which is Clue back home.

Sunday we got up again and made our way to the beach to have lunch in a pub with a hatched roof. It was really nice and the food was lovely. Emily braved the wind and cold to get me some real Irish sand and we made our way back into Sligo.

We got to the train station and we said out last goodbyes. It was super sad because I have no idea when and if I am going to see these girls again. They have been so amazing to me throughout my whole stay and I value their friendship so much. It was a really amazing last weekend but I am starting to get very glad that my trip is almost ending.


On the train ride home it was so beautiful. I am starting to feel a bit run down through and not sure if it the after effect of trying to heal from my tattoo, a really busy weekend, getting sad it's almost the end, or my body is just pushing it's self through these last 5 busy weeks and is starting to let go a bit. Whatever it is I know I need to make it through this last one and hopefully in a few weeks from then will have time to rest.

Head Office

One of the first things I did in the morning on Friday was head to the Catholic Youth Cares (CYC) main office down town. Those of you who were on the trip to Ireland with me, we went to it when we went to hear the women speak about Catholic Youth Care in Dublin. We met up with the women who supervises the Garda Diversion Projects for Catholic Youth Care. Eileen was meeting with her to go over some training with a drug resource book. While Eileen was getting some copies of stuff, I spoke to her more about her role in the project and how it all came together. She was great and so wonderful with me, answering all my questions and letting me look through her resource books which she had a ton of.

After the office visit we made our way to have lunch and do our weeklie supervision at the same time. She wanted to take me out as it was our last one. It went well. I can't say enough how great Eileen was with me through this whole process. She was amazing as a supervisor giving me honest feed back. Giving me a balance of positives and constructive criticism. I said it before I even got here, a supervisor can make or break a placement and she for sure has made mine. I have been so lucky to have her helping me explore and learn about the centre and even trying to give me a real view into youth services in general in Ireland. I am so thankful.. and so sad it's almost over.

Eileen then took me to the train station as it was 'lashing' out and she did wanted to make sure I made it there on time. I then headed off for my last weekend in Ireland.

Tattoo & Movie Night at the Drop-In

So today was the day I got my new tattoo.. Doesn't really have anything to do with my placement but it was exciting. So I won't talk much about it but it took 4ish hours and it's beautiful.

'm a big girl.. but it was pretty swollen

I made it to placement a bit late but I had let them know ahead of time I wasn't sure how long it would take. I missed my call with Catherine and wasn't able to reconnect with her before drop-ins started in the evening.

The night was pretty fun. It was safety week in Finglas community. What this means is a bunch of different agencies have gotten together and put on different weeks to bring awareness to different issues in the community. The different agencies then put on different workshops and events for families and youth in the community. Tonight was one that the centre had agreed to put on, so it was a movie night at the centre. We made little treat bags filled with popcorn, juice, and a chocolate bar and put a bunch of fruit out. It was cute, they ended up putting on old videos that had been made in the centre by youth in the community about 7 years ago. They were very cool, it was neat to see some of the youth I had gotten to know in the videos when they were much younger; super cute. I worked hard to hangout with the older youth, struggled a bit because it was the movie night but I did ok. The girls I had talked to last week came and chatted with me. I helped them fill out some job applications for a mall. Overall a good day.. my leg is for sure a bit sore now through.  

Garda Station & Dublin Bus Funding Event

Wednesday I went with Eileen to the Garda station (police station). It was an open house to the community and they were bringing schools in to give them tours throughout the day. Because of the FAN projects connection with the JLO they were invited to come down and set up room to talk about the centre. The night before Martina, Dara, Laura, and Eileen worked hard to put together an information board. We met up with EFFORTS and took over from there as they had been there during the early morning. It was really interesting but super hard to explain so I think I will just add a bunch of pictures to show you kind of what it was like. They were showing cells, cars, hand cuffing kids, showing them guns, drugs, riot uniforms.. really all kind of crazy. But then again.. really interesting to see. Different a bit from how we do open house tours in our stations back home.

Later in the evening I got to attend a funding event put on by Dublin Bus. I guess every year Dublin Bus takes all the unclaimed money from people who over pay (like if the ticket is 1.57 euro and people give 2) and have different organizations write in about a need for a specific project they would like to get funding for. Dublin Bus goes over the applications and picks ones to give money to. They invite all the winners to this event but don't tell them how much they won. So if your proposal got picked you are invited find out if you are either getting 1000, 2000, or 5000 euro. Then they present the cheques at the event. It was super nice, they provide some drinks and a bunch of famous Irish people come out to support the event. Really good for networking and just prompting the work of your agency. FAN and EFFORTS put a proposal together, so they are going to split the money but it was exciting because they got 2000 Euro. Really fun night with Laura.  

Networking... Plus Enchiladas and Chips

When I got to placement I started getting ready for groups right away. I went over the drug sheet with Eileen and made copies to get ready for the groups in the evening. Eileen and myself then made our way to the Fingal centre to meet another contact Eileen had made during her suicide training a few weeks ago. I really can't think of her name right now but she was great. She gave us a tour of the building and then told us all about the different programs the centre puts on. They do a ton of different things. Eileen then shared about the youth centre and told her about the programs. I also jumped in to explain some of the programs; it's crazy the amount of knowledge I have been able to pick up. Its so amazing the resources out there and how each agency doesn't know enough about one another. I feel like this is the same in Canada.. There is so much need in this area of services that just so much time goes into the work; it means we are always the best at promoting our own services. The only thing is that if we were better aligned we could work more efficiently and maybe better meet the needs of the families and individuals we are working with.

One of the really cool programs they offered, and really the only one really directed at youth is their 'Turn'in' program. Its main focus is to engage and work with young people and their parents/guardians by providing a programme of support. Through a needs based assessment, they aim to engage and provide supports for teenagers with early school leaving support issues. The programme seeks to build on the strengths and problem-solving abilities of the identified young people and their parents/guardians. It will restore their confidence in their capacity and ability to deal with whatever difficulties may arise.

Only one of the many interesting programs they run. I will add the website if you want to check them out at all:

http://www.thefingalcentre.ie/index.php/how-we-can-help/stayin-on-family-support/

We then picked up some groceries quick for one of the groups as they were cooking tonight and other biscuits and what not.

Way too fast it was time to get ready for groups. The first boys group showed up but was a bit early trying to get in. At the centre they try not to let the youth too early because workers are often still setting up the groups and there is no one to supervise. A couple of the other boys were allowed in but asked to just stay in the main area. They right away asked Laura what was going on tonight, when they found out they were not cooking tonight (it was the other group we were cooking with but they wouldn't know that) they left. We were not sure what was going on, but a few minutes later the boys were back at the door. As they were going to be let in they asked Eileen about cooking, when she explained that they had agreed to do a drug info session this time and next week was cooking the boys became very upset and a bit aggressive, yelling and swearing at Eileen, they were not allowed into the centre and left. Eileen, Laura,some of the CE, Michael, and myself talked about what happen and discussed what was going to happen with this group for a bit. I got a bit frustrated during this process because I felt like every time I tried to speak to it, I felt as if I was being talked over and not really heard or understood. Eileen and myself talk a bit about this and I felt better after. I think everyone was a bit emotional and it is often forgotten that I have experience in dealing with aggressive youth in treatment. It was just hard I think because it was one of the first times I was really made to feel like just a student. In the end it was good, they decided to set up home visits with the boys to talk about if the group was really something they wanted and explain that to do the fun activities they also needed to do the programming piece and that behaviour like that could not happen for the safety and being respectful to all.

Later the other group showed up and we cooked with them. They made enchiladas and chips. It was a ton of fun. They were pretty helpful and seemed to enjoy themselves. They do use some harsh language with each other and seem to know how to get each other riled up at times but for the most part it wasn't too bad. At the end we all ate together and chatted and talked about school, things they wanted to talk about in the group, and continued to ask me lots of questions about Canada. We tried to bring up the way they spoke together and go deeper into that, but the group kind of started to try and change the topic and attention. Most the youth even helped do clean up. Hard night but it ended not too bad.

Beginning of Second Last Week

When I got to placement on Monday it was right away very busy. The reality that this is my second last week is really sinking in. When I got to work I started to put together all the resources I had found last week. I finished the drug quiz I had put together for the boys group on Tuesday night. I found an activity for the girls group for tonight as well. I spoke with Dara about maybe doing a home visit with him if any come up that he would feel ok bringing a student with him on. This is one of the components of the job that I still have yet to do, so it's one thing I would really like to try and get to do if I get a chance to. I also called and set up a meeting with the JLO worker as I have not had a chance to do that either. Its set up for my last week; I hope it happens because I’m really excited to get to talk to her. I think she will be able to answer some of my questions that will help tie the whole program together for me, so that I understand how it fits with the juvenile system a bit better.

The first group of boys was fairly interesting to see. I stepped back a bit because I had not been building relationships with some of these boys as fast. They were working on communication skills and used team building games to help with this. It was interesting to see; there were a ton of behaviours from these boys, as they were pretty disrespectful to Eileen and Laura, making a lot of sexual comments, swearing, and very easily distracted in their own conversations about drugs and partying. They got through a couple games having about half the group buy-in at a time. After the group was over we all got together and talk a bit about how the group went. It's interesting and a good conversation because it's the real work that comes with youth work. Youth who seem to be crying out for support (these boys showed up every week, attendance was not a problem) but then getting them to engaged enough in programming that it feels worthwhile. Trying to pull out the positives and focus on the small steps groups are making when they can sometimes drive you crazy.

It was good to see the girls group again. I am already getting sad that I only have one more week with them. The activity I lead went well; the girls seemed to respond well to it and enjoy it. I am feeling very comfortable with this group, and as I do I am starting to see some of the personal issues these young women are dealing with in their lives come out more. There was a great deal of talk about drinking, family issues, and interest in having sexual relationships. Eileen is trying hard to get some sort of training or someone to come in with training but it's hard because these girls are really looking for it right now. There was some behaviours that came out during this session as well which was something I had not really seen from the girls. Eileen decided she was going to try and set up home visit with a couple of the girls as well, partly because she had not had much interaction with the girls parents as well so she just wanted to check in and make sure they understood the program.

Last Weekend in Dublin

So Friday night I planned to go try and find some transitional music as it was one of the things I really enjoy about Ireland but have not really got to enjoy on this trip yet. So I decided to head out alone to a place called Devitts for trad music. I planned my routine and figured out my buses as it was not on the my normal bus routine, because it was a bit off of downtown. I also made sure to figure out when the last buses ran and what not so I would not find myself stuck down their having to take a 30 euro cab ride home.

After I got all ready and felt confident about my routes I headed out. I got to my bus stop and waited.. and I waited. I thought I had got there 5 min before the bus was suppose to come but it never came. I just assumed I had somehow missed it so I would wait for the next one that was suppose to be there in like 20 min. After waiting for the bus for 40 min. I was really starting to wonder what was going on. Some young people passed me and stated they didn’t think the buses were running tonight. I was just about to leave when another women showed up at the bus stop. We started talking and she said there should be a bus coming in the next 10 min so I decided to wait. As we were waiting and chatting about if the bus would really show up or not a taxi driver pulled up and confirmed that buses were not running tonight as some youth had thrown a rock through the window of a bus around 6ish and buses were not running in Finglas for the evening because of this. Funny because I am pretty sure I know what group of boys it might have been. I decided to just head home as it was getting kinda late to now walk outside of Finglas to catch a bus and then have to do the same at 12 am. As I went home I ran into some of the young people I worked with heading out for their evening.

The rest of my evening was pretty uneventful. I tried to plan out my day tomorrow and had a quiet evening remembering my family back at home as it was a rough one for personal reasons.

Saturday

I tried to get up pretty early on Saturday (which in young adult terms is around 8 am for a weekend) and made my way downtown. I planned to take a tour of Glasnevin cemetery first. Glasnevin is Dublin's largest cemetery and was the first cemetery to allow anyone of any religion to be buried there. I passed this cemetery every time I go downtown and so many very influential Irish leaders have been buried there. I did a walking tour and went through the museum. Really, really interesting. Crazy amount of history. Very cool tour with so much information. I could talk about all the different stories but it's all so overwhelming. If you want to check out the website to know more here it is:

http://www.glasnevintrust.ie/

After Glasnevin I made my way down town. I had been pouring over different one day tours over the past few days as I knew thats what I wanted to do Sunday. It's kinda funny because I have really seen a large amount of this small country through my past three trips so my options were limited to places that were close enough to do day tours and I had not been to yet. But it worked out great because Wicklow, pretty much the south east part of Ireland is suppose to be beautiful and I have not got a chance to see it yet so thats what I decided to do. That ends up only being half the battle though because then there are like 10 different tour groups that run tours. I finially picked the one I wanted to do and booked the tour.

Next on my list was to go check out a tattoo place. I have been planning a tattoo for the last few years that I thought would be meaningful to get done in Ireland. I went and spoke to a artist about getting my tattoo and the design I wanted. He seemed excited and stated he would get back to me in a couple days with a final design.

After I went shopping for bit, this being the last time I knew I would really have an opportunity to do much shopping. Got a few souvenirs but was really trying to watch what I was spending as this trip, although it has been worth every penny has been a bit overwhelming in regards to costs, Ireland not being the cheapest place to come hangout with no income. After all of this I was super tired and it was getting late. So crazy how time just disappears. Had not really eaten most of the day as well so I think that was starting to play into things. Started to feel a bit sick and super tired so headed home. The rest of my night was not that exciting. Chatted with Micheal and made plans for next weekend. I am starting to feel a bit alone in the place I am staying as interactions with Carmel have decreased a great deal. But that’s ok, that’s how life goes. I'm only here for a couple more weeks so there is no point to being home sick because as soon as I step foot on that plane I am going to start missing Ireland so I need be ok in these still moments and just take it in. I went and sat outside in the evening and just listened to everything and took deep breathes and tired to take it all in so deeply that it would stay inside me forever. Ha.. ya I’m dork.. but it's important. I know I will never forget my time here, I know it has changed me and will continue to change me and impact my practice. I am so grateful, just so very grateful.

Sunday

Yeah Sunday! Went on the Wicklow tour, so great. Met a nice couple from England waiting for bus as well when i got here. They were very nice and chatted a bit with me. The tour was BEAUTIFUL. So amazing. Wicklow is gorgeous. Its an area with 'Mountains' and so much vegetation. It looks like out of a fairy tale.. so pretty. It is the area in Ireland which a ton of movies have been filmed. Movies like... Braveheart, Saving Private Ryan, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, The Princess Bride, the Italian Job, the TV show the Tudors, My Left Foot, Once, Far and Away, Leap Year, Michael Collins, PS I Love You, etc. I got to see so much. Things like the bridge where they kissed in 'PS I Love You', the lake Mr Guinness bought for his daughter, different bogs, an old monestary, the pub that Ballykissangel was filmed in, and a wool Mill. I also met a young couple, one from Ireland, one from France, and their friend from Denmark. We had lunch together and talked about living in Dublin.

 
Back to Dublin after an eventful day. By the time we got back I was very tired and not feeling well so I decided to head home, I was going to try and go to a pub but it wasn't worth it at this point. .Went home, felt like I had a fever. Very weird.. made me miss home a bit even thought when I’m back in Edmonton I just end up missing my mom when I feel sick.. it sucks being sick and being a grown up. I kind of wished people would stop asking me if I am missing home though, because it's not until people ask me that I start thinking about it. Going to bed early hoping to feel better in the morning. I think I’m just overwhelmed from a busy weekend and worrying about money. I should be good tomorrow.

Crazy how Learning Just Happens

I was a bit tired Friday but it was ok. Right away we had a meeting set up to talk about summer projects. It was kind of funny because in the end, summer projects were never really talked about. I was a bit disappointed because I was interested in seeing how they evaluated programs and because I think evaluation is an important part of good programming that often gets missed, which turns into the case often because of stuff like this (more immediate issues take priority).

Everyone seemed to get super edgy and were pushing their agendas, I think we were able to get a lot done in regards to programming needs for the groups running right now. It's clear this work comes with it's own set of challenges and although compared to the shift work I am used to doing at home this type of shift work still has it's own challenges. When working with youth it's hard not to run into these kind of issues because our hope is youth are going to school during daytime hours making the most accessible times to be doing the work evening and weekends which can have huge impacts on the personal life and well being of workers because it is in such conflict with the norms of our '9 to 5' society values.

Later I had one on one supervision with Eileen. One of the major things we talked about is my need to work towards pushing myself to do deeper youth work and working on my relationships with the oldest drop in youth. I have comes so far and had so much success that the challenge is to just use every bit of time and unitize it to push myself and my learning.

I went to take a break and have lunch. As I was doing this some of the older girls came in and were waiting for Laura to get back to talk to her and get some help on some applications they were filling out. It was really amazing because it gave me the chance to chance to talk to some older girls and work on relationship building and get to know them. Its crazy how that stuff can sometimes happen like that. The in/opportunity I was looking for just appears. Now I am not a huge believer in fate or things happening for reasons. I more believe that when you are aware of something you are looking for and seeking out opportunities more. So although it seems like it just kind of fell into my lap I know that there most likely was other times opportunity like this might have been there but I wasn't taking full advantage of them like I should of been. Whatever it was, it was great conversation and helped me understand some of the issues going on with the older female youth in the community. I think it will also help me come next week during the older groups drop in. To bad it's going to be my second last drop in. I really do wish I had more time here. I feel like I am really just starting to get into this work. To end the day I had a programming planning meeting with Eileen and her CE from the FAS program. It was good because I think I got more of a look into how the CE program works, which is much like a student. I think the down points of the program are that there is much less time given for one on one interactions with youth and really no time given for support and supervision.

I am staying in town this weekend so today was my first real Friday shift where I stayed till the end of the day. I think it's good I’m staying in town this weekend as I am starting to feel a little run down from how crazy and fast paced this placement has been. But I find I also have put a great deal of pressure on myself not to 'waste' this weekend in Ireland as I only have one more after this. So I do hope to do a few more things in Dublin before I leave and it kind of seems like this will be my last chance so lets hope I use my time well.

Drop-Ins and Half Way Eval

Thursdays have turned into fairly busy days just because you start so late, so it feels like you are trying to get so much done before the drops in start in the evening. Today it started with having a supervision with Eileen and Catherine. We went over my goals and talked about how I am doing half way through my placement. It's so crazy to think I really only have two weeks left. We talked about all the progress I have make, where my strengths have been and areas I can still focus on in the last few weeks. It has been so nice to hear the Eileen feels like I have a lot of relationship skills. Mostly my focus has been on some of the skills needed for when you are working independently, such as making small talk to network with different people, being really forward and asking for what I need, being able to have people make time for me, etc. Things that I need to become more confident in a case load type role. After we chatted about all that and went over my mark for the first term I chatted one on one with Catherine for a bit to talk about the upcoming conference. I am actually getting very excited about the conference just because it's something that I haven't had an opportunity to do much of within the field. It's something I used to be very involved in through the United Church which is kind of interesting, not always the place you think a person might get conference experience but I found it to be super wonderful in helping me explore how to make contacts and understand issues deeper involving the community. I think one of the things I struggled with around getting more involved in United Church conference as I got older and I think might give me a bit of fear going forward in my own field is that some of the dream cloudiness of the ideals goes away. You are brought more to reality, what is not what is just talked about in some ways. I don't know if that will make sense to any one but it does for me. Politics become more transparent and the games start to formulate in somewhat more in-depth ways. Now again I don't know if this will be my experience, and please don't take this as all bad. I just think it might be the nature of this kind of stuff, but there is so much growth and opportunity that comes with it. I also do not know if this is what I am going to experience at a CYC conference, I just know this is some of the things that were brought up for me at another conference level type experience.

After the phone call I helped set up for drop ins. The junior's (12 and 13) came in first; there wasn’t many of them but I enjoy hanging out with these boys and they talk with me more the more they are getting to know me. I also find they are more responsive after being in groups with them because they are getting more time to see me working with Eileen and Martin. The young boys always seem to really look up to Martin and other males in the centre. I think a huge factor in this is a lot of them are lacking positive older male role models in their lives.

The middle group was great (14 and 15), I enjoy them so much. Some of my relationships have really started to form, even with some of the youth who just use the centre for the drop ins once a week. I am getting to know them and they are starting to come to me to chat and play games which really is pretty great since some of them I have only met two or three times before this for a couple of hours.

The last group, 16 and up, I seemed to being struggling with more. I think this is just because the relationships are coming much slower. I think there are several reasons for this. One being I am not working in the groups of any of the older youth, so I don't have that 'in' where once I am in with a few of them I am in with the rest. As well I think it's the age group itself that can be challenging. At this age youth pick more specifically who they are going up to and understand that some one who is here on a 6 week practicum is not going to be here forever. I feel like although relationships are coming slower though, I need to remember it's not necessary that I’m struggling but that the process might just be a bit slower. I did talked to Eileen for a few minutes after and I am going to try and focus for my next last couple weeks to try and build up these relationships and find different ways of getting 'ins'. Eileen explained that this is normally the hardest group to get into especially in a community such as Finglas.

So very tired tonight. Going straight to bed.

Getting to see More of Dublin

Once I got in on Wednesday, because it is one of our two early days in the week where we start in the morning instead of the afternoon, I used the time to do some of the program planning that had been talked about over the past few weeks. I used the time to try and look up different drug awareness programs resources for one of our Tuesday evening groups. I looked up listening and team building activities and games to use with some of our other freshly starting groups, and tried to look up information on sexual health resources for the girls group. It was an interesting experience. In Edmonton I would know where to go or who to talk to to help put together good quality information and packages that I would feel very conformable in using and facilitating with youth. Here I dont' have the same resources. So I slowly sift through information. Another thing I don't think people always realize is that when in a different country Google sends you to thats countries sites before anywhere else so unless you would have specifics I would come up with a large amount of information that I really did not have the knowledge of organizations or services to know what was reliable or quality information. I was able to sift through some stuff and put together a quality drug work sheet and some other awareness information. I also put together a mix of some of my favorite initiative and team building games.

I am finding putting information together for the sexual health programming interesting. I really feel there is a lot of apprehension around wanting to run this program without more training from a number of the workers. I think this has been something that has really struck me because it just brings out some of the huge difference in culture. When it comes to some of the stats back in Canada, such as one in every three women has been sexually assaulted in some way before the age of 18 it makes me sick and makes me think we are so behind in how we deal with and teach issues related to sexuality. But in contrast when workers are so very uncomfortable and unsure how to even start the conversation I am seeing just how ahead in this area we really are.. in no other way but in our slowly moving into it being more safe to talk about openly. The Catholic background of Ireland plays into this a great deal I assume which makes sense.. but is scary a little bit just because you can see how much it is needed in young people across the world.

In the evening, Martin, Eileen, and myself ran the young boys group. It was pretty fun, those boys are so cute. Its sometimes scares me the lives these boys really live outside the centre. They have so much to give, i hope they are able to see it.

Eileen then invited me for dinner that evening after work. It was super wonderful of her as my evenings have become fairly boring and a bit lonely at times. I think she had maybe picked up on this in conversation and felt kind of bad. She told me how she would normally not do this with a student but having an international student so far away from home with not many supports in the city she thought it should be something they should have thought more about before having me come. Which I thought was a good observation, not that I have been struggling that much, but that it would just have been cool to have the opportunity to do some more stuff with my co-workers from the centre outside of my placement since I am only here for a short amount of time.. but it's been hard to really make to much time for anything since I have been so busy anyways.. but it's something to think about.

The evening was so very Fantastic! Hard to even explain, it seems like I have all of these small events packed so full of so much learning and just great opportunities to talk to amazing people. This evening was for sure one of them for me. It was so wonderful even to get to drive through the city and see what it looks like from a driving perspective.. not to be just headed downtown on the bus. I got to see another Traveller area on the way, I'm so interested in learning more about the traveller community. I know I most likely won't have a ton of time while I’m here but I hope to do some more research when I get back home to have a better understanding. Eileen also lives with her cousin in an area of the city that she described as very 'posh'. It's funny cause even though I have spent some of my time out in the country side because most of my time in Dublin has been spent in Finglas and downtown I think I really started to think that’s the only way people in big city Ireland lived. I know that sounds horrible and somewhat ignorant.. but I mean it's just kind of one of those things you don't even realize until the thought is challenged. Anyways I was super glad it was just so I was able to have a more full picture of the city, seeing the contrast in different areas. This area is gorgeous, huge homes, very clean, much more up keep, just a different feel all together. Indeed this shouldn’t be surprising as this really is I’m sure how it is in any big city.. but was just nice to get that reality check.

The first thing Eileen did was take me to the beach.. again kinda a mind blowing thing.. which again not so proud to admit to. Don't get me wrong I do know that Ireland is an island, thus it would have the opportunity for lots of beaches.. but it just seemed so weird in some ways. Most of the coast I have experienced in Ireland has been just that.. coast. Not beautiful sandy beaches, SO BEAUTIFUL!! With seashells. Ha, I am a loser, how excited I was, but it was great.

After the beach she took me for a little drive through the community and it was very clear this was a very posh community. We then headed back to her cousins condo after getting almost locked in one of the estate gates after going to look closer at an old hatched roof house. Eileen showed me her place and made me feel very comfortable. We had dinner and a few drinks. We talked about how I had been doing in placement, my experience in Ireland, what I was learning and getting out of the experience in general. Then the conversation even went deeper into sharing more about our passion for the field and where we came from, and where we are at in our lives. It was so great to have that experience of getting to have someone I have gotten to respect so much as a great practitioner open up and talk with me at a level beyond just a student. I think in my everyday life I try and keep friends and family around me or at least a phone call away where I can get into these deeper conversations about life and my work with. I think I have been greatly missing it during this trip. It was so nice to have a bit of that tonight, I am so grateful.

Eileen then drove me home after a wonderful night. The last thing she did was give a short tour of Ballymun, really the only area in Dublin that has a worse reputation then Finglas. She showed me the big concrete building that use to fill the area. Only a couple are left standing and are boarded up now. But there use to be quiet a few in the area filled with drugs, housing the very poor, and a haven for criminal activity. Eileen went on to explain during the boom in Ireland they tore a number of them down and built new buildings but commonly people just feel they moved the drug users and the prostitutes into nicer homes, that it did not deal with the real issues in the area. I just looked up Ballymun on Wikipedia; right away it talks about these buildings. They honestly made me think of what I would imagine the buildings would looking like in the ghettos/projects in the states even though I have never seen them either.




http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ballymun

Getting to see a School

Tuesday I came in and left pretty soon after getting there. Eileen had done some linking up and making contacts while in her training last week so one of the the people she had met works in one of the secondary schools pretty close to the centre, a school where a few of the children who are in some of the FAN project groups go. We made our way to the school. I was excited about getting the opportunity to see the inside of a school, most likely more than I should have been. I think because I had heard about the school system being so different from the Canadian Education system I thought there might be some interesting differences in the actual structures themselves. I mean I also think I knew this was a long shot, that schools are often, just that, schools. With classrooms, desks, and some kids cutting class, and others making the honour roll. I think it met my mixed expectations. It seemed to be in a older building, like everything in Ireland. It also seemed pretty standard. We met with Eileen's new contact who was really wonderful. She explained to us more in detail her role at the school. She ran the homework club and did one on one work with helping youth find success in school, meaning she would try and help find resources or get any type of supports the youth might need.

The Homework club was made up of two main parts which they explain on their website:

HOMEWORK CLUB
We aim to create a safe, student led and comfortable teaching environment for all the students. The HomeWork Club strives to enhance learning and teaching for everyone. The Homework Club has played a positive role in improving our students' school attendance and their attitude towards education.

Monday, Tuesday and Thursday only.
It is only for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd year.
Students are provided with a light snack such as pizza slices, sausage rolls, burgers or fruit to begin with.
The club starts at 3:40 and finishes at 5pm.
It is supervised by teachers who help students with their homework.
Reduces the chance of students getting into trouble for not doing homework.
Our school actively encourages healthy eating and lifestyle. The school is supplied on a daily basis with fresh breakfast packs.

BREAKFAST CLUB
Operates from 8am in the morning to 8:35am.
The breakfast club is supervised.
It allows students, who leave home early or forget their breakfast, an opportunity to eat something substantial before class begins.
Cereals are available as well as orange juice, fruit and a variety of rolls, e.g. cheese, ham, turkey, egg and chicken rolls.
Remember, your children will be warm, safe and supervised.

Care Team
At St. Vincents, we are committed to giving our students a stimulating and challenging educational experience. In order to support our students the school is fortunate to have a care team. This team includes the. Principal, Home School Liaison person, Guidance Councillor, RE person and a Councillor.

After she explained her role in more detail Eileen talked about her role at the centre and the type of work she does with the FAN project. Eileen also explained about all the different programs in the centre that young people have access to.

After we all kind of discussed different ways that both could keep in contact or support each other in the work that they are doing with the youth. Eileen talked a bit about and later talked more in depth with me about one of the bigger challenges with her program being how restricted it was at times. It being such a small program and the fact that they could not always just take referrals from anywhere as they are mandated to meet the need of their JLO first. So although telling schools and other community groups is great she feels bad because they are hardly ever at a place where they are able to take on referrals from these places.

One of the other really cool parts of this visit was that when we were all talking about different ways to get involved and utilize each other, I was really a part of the conversation. What I had to say mattered and they both seemed interested to hear what I had to say in the brainstorming progress even though I was a stranger from Canada stepping for my first time into an Irish School.

If you're interested in seeing the school I visited here is the website:

http://stvincentsd11.scoilnet.ie/

Once back at the centre I spend the afternoon working on putting together the rest of the poster for the research project and trying to get that done.


In the evening I took part in two groups where we used this time to finalize the direction the group wanted to go for the rest of the term. I am getting to know the youth better and they are starting to see me more as one of the workers in the centre. I am really loving the groups and starting to feel much more comfortable with the process.

Bring out the Canadianish

Monday I started back fresh and feeling great from the weekend. We started off planning for the young boys group and getting everything ready for the other groups for this week. It was pretty low key at the beginning, busy but I feel like I am more getting into a routine and know what has to happen so it is feeling less crazy. Eileen and myself went and picked up groceries for the week and and chatted with youth in the community a bit.

In the evening our first group was the last group we had been working on trying to get to show up. They are a group of fairly high risk male youth. It's interesting to see the different groups in different stages and where they are at with the program. In some of the other groups with less high risk youth it can be a struggle to get them to show up at times. With this group they always show up but seem to be the most disrespectful to the workers and the building, but these are the youth that are at highest risk of offending. It brings a lot of the same challenges as high risk youth in Edmonton. I can see some clear similarities in trying to find programs that work for these youth both in residential and community. It takes a lot of work and so much patience to get small movement out of these youth. Given chances and setting boundaries, supporting these youth to want more from themselves than what they see. Really interesting group of boys with so much potential to make a difference in their community,

With the girls group tonight it was super laid back and fun. They got together and cooked two different coddles for me to try. I decided because they wanted to cook for me I wanted to cook for them as well so I tried to think of something Canadianish that I could share with them. I emailed a co-worker back home and got them to ask one of my girls I work with in the T-SIL program to send me a recipe for Bannock. She agreed and sent it to me. It ended up turning out really well. All the girls cooked together and helped each other out. They were all excited to try the bannock and learn about the youth I work with back home. They helped me cook it and asked tons of questions about youth culture back home and Canada in general. It's wonderful to share meals, I have always thought that. Sharing a meal helps build connection. I also love when the cooking is communal, I think it brings a sense of community and brings everyone into the relationship and process of providing. The girls chatted about their families, things going on in their lives, and shared stories. I am starting to feel very conformable in this group and am already sad that that I only two weeks left with these girls. I feel like they have welcomed me in and that I would have the potential to form some good relationships and do good work here if I had more time. I think I need to trust that by even just feeling this way the girls and myself are both hopefully getting something out of my time here.. I know I am.

Familar Faces, Bogs, Old Stuff, and Ancestery

This weekend I headed off to see Paula. I decided to take a different bus services due to all the issues I had with missing my bus and everything the weekend before, also it turns out Bus Erinn does not have stops where I need to get to anyways. I left from work and was fairly easily able to find the bus station and find my bus.. although I was a bit confused once inside. I made it onto the bus and was on my way to Strokes town. The bus ride was long and cramped, lots of people leaving Dublin for the weekend. I was very aware of where I was putting all my stuff and made sure to let the bus driver know I had no idea where I was getting off; he was super friendly and had no issue with it which was great. I was the only one to get off in the small town. I talked to Paula on the phone a few min before and was left knowing I was going to be being picked up by Theresa. It took a few min but I found her and we made our way to Paula's. It was SO great to see Theresa and Paula. It's hard for me to given explain how much this weekend hit at the prefect time. I had supper with Paula and Thersea and got to meet Paul's boys. They were all so welcoming and the boys were so cute. It was so great to be around friends. We stayed up and chatted and drank some wine. Paula and Theresa are amazing women and I have been very lucky to have gotten the chance to have them in my life.

The next day Paula took me to a bog and shown me a patch that they are renting from a family. It was crazy because during my trip to the Jail with Martin she had started to talk to me about turf and then informed me about the politics around bogs going on in Ireland. When I got to Paula's she had turf she was burning on the fire and explain that they went to the bog every year and processed turf. Paula was amazing, and took me out to see it and get a better idea of the whole thing. It's really cool to get to see and understand more about some of the issues surrounding it. Most Irish people think it's kinda crazy I was so excited to see a bog but it's just kind of one of those things that aren’t as interesting when you grow up around it.. like the oil sands would be to most Albertans.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bog

That afternoon we picked up the boys and Theresa and made our way to a famine museum in Strokestown and checked out Strokestown Park house & Garden. It was really beautiful with so much history. Lots of detail about the famine and the house was so cool, so much history, really incredible.

http://www.strokestownpark.ie/

We then headed back with the boys to the house and picked up some chips on the way. Offered to drive me to Castlecomer the next day as it was a trip I was trying to figure out how to make on my own. It was really incredible of the them to take me as it is a very small town by Kilkenny which is not a tourist hot spot at all so it would have been hard for me to get around and do what I was wanting to do.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Castlecomer

For those of you who know me well know that this trip would have not have happened without support from my family and as part of that I wanted to give back and visit the area where my ancesters came from. Theresa and Paula made this happen. I do not have enough words to thank these women. The next day we left early as it was a super long trip on pretty much the other side of the country. The whole thing was amazing. I will just say it was kind of crazy how things came together and I ended up not only finding the church my family would have grown up in but got to see where the old homestead would have been and met some people who might have been related in some way. It was a day I will l never forget and for sure it one of the highlights of the trip for me. I got a bus in another town on the way home and made it back to Dublin. Amazing weekend. I am so blessed to have wonderful friends here in Ireland who care so much and made this weekend possible. Once home I chatted with my parents for the first time since being here and chatted with friends. After a crazy week this way for sure a great way to end it.

Program Planning

Today started out with program planning for the groups. Now they there is a basic plan on what groups are being set up for this first 'term' things are starting to come together. Each FAN member spoke about the groups they are involved with and where they feel their group is at. They talked about the needs of the groups and what kind of training and supports they would need to have to resource as a team. It's hard to put into words all I am learning here and what I am taking out. I really am starting to see how truly amazing this program is and really enjoying the process of creating the programming that is suitable for each group. The passion and care that is put into the work is incredible and brings with it its own challenges. The team works so hard to meet the needs of the young people in the community around so many different hurdles.

I also completed my support and supervision with Eileen It was great to have a chance to really talk about everything that has happened this week for me in my placement and get to focus on what I am doing well and constructively talk about the areas I need to work on. I think this is something I have greatly been missing in my own practice for a while now. Its wonderful to have someone who believes in the work I am doing and who is a support in helping me strengthen my skills.

I know this week has had it's up and downs but I am excited for my last few weeks and to try and use what I have learned to really practice and do the best I can for the program. I am also excited to have a break and get to see some familar faces this weekend as I head off to see Paula.

Prison Trip!

Last night I ended up thinking a lot about how this week has been. I need to move forward and stop wasting this opportunity; I messed up, it happens, it's life but if I do not move forward and just try and learn from it I am going to be stuck and miss out on so many wonderful other learning opportunities. It doesn't mean I might not mess up again but hopefully it won't be in the same way. I have come so far and talked a lot about wanting to be present in this experience that I really need to be respectful to that and the short amount of time I am here. So today I am hoping to move forward and come back to pushing myself to really show up.

I went to the centre in the morning and met up with Martina and the boys from the Detached Project. Today is the day we are getting to go on a tour of Cloverhill Remand Prison.

http://www.irishprisons.ie/index.php/joomlaorg/west-dublin-prison-campus/cloverhill-prison

The tour was pretty incredible. I mean its an intense experience to really see how prisoners live. It's fine for us to say send them to jail, lets the courts deal with that stuff but I have always struggled with the lack of treatment services and rehabilitation opportunities in any peni system. But it's nice to be able to know more and really see than just from the TV, news, and movies. I do know the whole time I was having a very large desire to have had some sort of experience in Canada to compare it to so was almost feeling under informed about my own country in a lot ways during the tour. Governor Fergus Woods gave us the tour, and was great with giving information and answering any questions we had. It was kind of funny 'cause right as we were starting the tour and made our way into the main area that leads to the different wings in the prison there was a painting on the wall. The painting was of Lake Louise, which being a very kind of iconic scene for Alberta was kind of funny to see in a prison in Ireland.

After I returned from the prison visit I met with Lisa who is the FAS coordinator in the centre and interviewed her about the program and how it worked along side the centre.

I then finished that up in time to make my call with Catherine. This was the half way point of my trip so it was time for my midway evaluation with her and Eileen. I think the conversation went well. I spoke a lot about my challenges from these weeks and how I really wanted to more forward. I think I had learned about myself in the process and how I was going to use it in the future to influence my practice. Eileen and Catherine both really seemed to appreciate that I had kind of gone though the process of making a mistake, that I had caught it on my own, and then become aware of how it was affecting my practice and my confidence and been willing to name it so openly. I think this is something I try to be good at, self relegulating and evaluating but it can be hard not to beat myself up over things sometimes. We all seemed excited for the progress I have already started to make in building relationships with the young people and picking up on some of the skills needed to work so independently in a work environment of this kind.

The day went by so fast and before I knew it, it was already time for drop in to start. The drops in went fairly well for the most part. I enjoy getting a chance to see some of the youth from my groups and interact with them in a bit of a different way. I also like having the opportunity to interact with some more main stream youth in the community and get to ask them questions about Dublin and things going on for them as youth in Finglas. I feel like it is giving me more opportunity to get a well balanced picture of Finglas and what the community looks like. I also got to check in with some of the youth about the Debs.. they stated it went well and all were pretty safe for the most part. It turns out it was their party bus that I saw downtown the other night.

The Debs and Retrieving my Binder

Today when I got to the centre Eileen was back. She talked to me about how the training was really good and she used it to try and make connections with other people in the area in related areas that might have access to services that could support the youth we are working with. I have done lots of training in my day but when I go to training I don't always see it as a opportunity to network and hearing Eileen talk about it in this way made a lot of sense. I think often because we go through so much training and have so much opportunity for training back in Alberta we might not always see this as one of the bigger roles and opportunities that training can provide. I think another disadvantage is that we are often taking it within our own organizations by having them bring someone in directly for their staff which if often more convenient but takes away from our ability to utilize it as a networking opportunity, The day although it was busy seems to hang a bit as I worked. I think because I still am trying to move forward from everything that happened earlier in the week I am finding myself pulling back a bit.

I starting working on a facebook group for the den after having some conversations with the FAN team and Micheal over what they were looking for and wanted in a facebook page. It was simple enough to get the information together and start creating something simple and hopefully easy to use for the centre.

I also made a phone call to Bus Erin again to see if there was a way I would be able to get my binder back. I talked to a man who seemed very much less than impressed with me. He said he would put it on a bus today and if I did not show up to get it I would not get it back. He stated he would put it on the last bus and if I was not there, my loss basicly. Not as friendly or as helpful as I had hoped but it was my fault so I will make it work.

The FAN team also had a referral meeting for today. I enjoyed getting to take part in this meeting because it gave me more of a chance to see what happens when there was new referrals and how they checked in with old referrals or made the decisions to close files. It gave me more understanding of the need in the community and numbers of youth accessing the program when given the opportunity. I was able to see how the process of forming new groups came about and what facts came into placing new referrals into groups. So much of this process is based upon the team and individual workers. I think it's great that each member is able to use their knowledge and background in the community to share in the conversation around how to form groups in a more organic way that makes sense than it being more on the systematic side of things.

After the meeting Eileen, Martin, and myself went right into our Jr boys group. They are adorable 12 year olds who all want to be little thugs. So cute.. but some with some really crazy family history and issues. I really like this group of boys but it's hard not to have your heart break when you see how just so innocent yet on the edge they are with directions they could go in life. This group is fun with lots of energy but an age group that I’m not use to working with. I took a step back and really tried to observe interactions and tried to take it in.

Throughout the day I think Eileen seemed to notice I was a bit more quiet. I sat down and explained to her that I had made a mistake in the girls group and was just trying to be more aware and listen more. She stated it was ok and reminded me that I am a student and I am here to learn. She really doesn’t want me to step back too much. I feel like I have been trying to push myself forward but have been struggling a bit.

Paula called me in the evening to check in.. I kinda let some tears slip. Weird because today wasn't even a bad day. I think I just get stressed and try and hold myself to a high standard. This week not being able to meet that, feeling like I’m making stupid mistake after stupid mistake has been wearing on me. I think I am also starting to notice that not having enough people in my life who are such big supports has been a struggle this week as well. The whole being in a different city/country/home is starting to become more real.

Happy to say though I did make it to the bus. That was an adventure all on it's own tonight. I made my way downtown early because I didn't want to miss the bus.. but because of how the streets are set up and how taxis work in this town the dropoff stop ends up stretching about two blocks so it was more of a struggle than I thought. At one point I even thought I had missed the bus, and one was driving away just as I was walking up and when I tried to stop him, he waved me off like I was a crazy nut job.. which I guess I was. I waited a few more minutes in desperation hoping it had not been my bus to find that for once I had some luck and it was not. I spoke to the driver, got the binder, and started to make my way back to Finglas.

Another cool thing that happened on my trip downtown was I ended up seeing a party bus. This was exciting/funny because in one of my groups from Tuesday night the youth had been talking about their Debs. I know I haven't talk about this really either yet but basicaly it's like a grade 9 grad in Canada except it's a HUGE deal. It's after they get their results from their Jr certs. Anyways there is always so much to talk about and try and explain from everything that I am learning about here but basicly the group of grads had told me they had booked a party bus.. even though they are not suppose to be able to drink on them. So when I saw it I just smiled. It was a good way to end the night.. thinking of them celebrating and hoping they were making positive choices and having a good night.