The Mess-Up

On Monday Michelle and Colin dropped me off at the bus station. Michelle went to class and Colin stayed with me to make sure I got on the right bus. Which was helpful because it was very confusing to know for sure where the bus was going to stop. But I got on my bus and made my way back to Dublin. I got back into the city around 11:30am. I found the bus to get me back to Finglas and got home and started to get ready to go into placement as I started at 2pm.
Placement today was first time I think I really struggled and made kind of a big mistake. It might have gone better normally but I think I was a bit off. I think this was because of how my weekend had ended which is no excuse but I think it might have played into my overall frame of mind and my focus throughout the day and especially in the evening.
The day wasn't too busy for me in general because I am still kind of finding my place. I called the bus station and left a message about my binder to go along with my past couple of emails. Eileen was not working today as she was in a suicide awareness workshop today and tomorrow.
Most of the day I hung out with Lauren and tried to help her get ready for groups in the evening. She had not started her groups yet as she was hoping to start a couple new groups but was still in the process of figuring out referrals, putting them together, and contacting them all. Lauren showed me a bit about that process and ran through some of the different paperwork pieces that come with starting new groups.
Just before the groups came in we ran over what the plan was for tonight, got the rooms ready, and did a shop run to make sure we had snacks and stuff for the groups for the week (to make toasties and fruit smoothies, etc for the youth).
The first group of the night did not show up. I used this time to catch up a bit on blogging as I had got behind after the last week in placement being much busier then the last. Then the last group in the evening was the girls group I had met last week. I am really enjoying this group of girls. I think this might be because they are reminding me of some of the girls I have worked with back at home.
Being so excited and looking forward to this group I think is what made what happened even more horrible... It's hard to explain or really put down here what happened cause i'm pretty embarrassed.T  I have been trying to be very open and honest about what my experience has been and that hasn't been too hard until now. I guess it's a lot easier to talk about things that make sense. What I mean by that is that maybe losing a jacket or forgetting something on a bus in a different country isn't that uncommon.. but this.. this is not so common and actually embarrassing. I really messed up and it hurts and sucks and makes me question myself. This is where that whole not making excuses but feeling like maybe how the weekend ended is effecting how I am being present today. I was told by one of my friends that bad things come in threes so I should have been done with them.. so why do they keep coming? I think that kinda thought process is funny anyways.. things happen and it's how I choose to see them. Just sucks that the only ways to see what I did is inappropriate. Feels like after tonight I’m starting a whole new three.. or maybe it is just the start of things going down hill. I hope neither is true, but I am feeling pretty horrible right now.